


December is Tired But Always Hopeful

by typervoxilations



Category: Gokusen - All Media Types
Genre: M/M, Misunderstanding, Pining, dumbass Ren who mistakes having a crush for friendship, kind of fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-06
Updated: 2014-10-06
Packaged: 2018-02-20 00:03:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2407799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/typervoxilations/pseuds/typervoxilations
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ren is not good at dealing with how he feels, because feeling has never really gotten him anywhere but in trouble, so when third year comes along and he's suddenly faced with a high and mighty smirk, his heart flipping strangely at Ogata's outstretched hand and probably well meaning "Let's get along", he is automatically wired to respond the only way he knows how and punches Ogata clean in the nose with enough force for the cartilage to crack beneath his knuckles.</p><p>He almost regrets it almost instantly but he never apologizes.</p><p>Alternatively, the one where Ren is secretly pining after Yamato when Yamato is secretly pining after Ren and both of them are dorks in love who should learn how to communicate better by now.</p>
            </blockquote>





	December is Tired But Always Hopeful

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [The Spring that Emerges from Eternal Winter](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1598132) by [Ferrero13](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ferrero13/pseuds/Ferrero13). 



> Set during Gokusen III and Gokusen The Movie, mostly present tense and my usual word vomit style, Ren's third person POV of Ferrero13's The Spring that Emerges from Eternal Winter.
> 
> I wrote this mostly because I needed to do fluff after my angst period and because there aren't enough fics about Ren/Yamato. 
> 
> Title from The Children of Time poem.

Ren is not good at dealing with how he feels, because feeling has never really gotten him anywhere but in trouble, so when third year comes along and he's suddenly faced with a high and mighty smirk, his heart flipping strangely at Ogata's outstretched hand and probably well meaning "Let's get along", he is automatically wired to respond the only way he knows how and punches Ogata clean in the nose with enough force for the cartilage to crack beneath his knuckles.

He almost regrets it almost instantly but he never apologizes.

So he hides it behind laughter and jokes, letting everyone think that he thinks Ogata is a rival, that the reason they don't get along is because Ren sees everything that Ogata does as a challenge, because Ren doesn't know how else to deal with the stutter of his heartbeat even when they barely walk past each other in the hallways, and it's easier to make himself think that it's the adrenaline from wanting to fight than any other feeling that would make everything really fucking complicated (but he knows the rush of adrenaline from beating up and getting beaten up and this right now is neither because what he really wants to do is maybe grab Ogata by the collar of his  _gakuran_  and- he immediately cuts himself off before he can even finish that thought because it's a too dangerous territory to even navigate).

He's convinced Ogata hates him, it becomes almost routine for them to engage in glaring contests from across the room, so he convinces himself that he hates Ogata too, and the occasional rapid tattoo of his heart sometimes just at the thought of him is nothing but annoyance. 

He convinces himself that Ogata's nothing special, but catches himself glancing at Ogata's ridiculously fluffy copper hair out of the corner of his eye a little too long, thinks that maybe Ogata isn't so bad because he might treat a couple of the other 3-D members with as much care as a used piece of tissue, but he's protective enough of Honjo and Kamiya and the three of them create the same kind of tight-knit group of friendship that Ren has with Icchi and Kura, and wonders what it would feel like to be included in that small circle of trust.

There is obviously something good there, underneath everything else, something beautiful that Ogata protects fiercely because Ren knows the actions of someone trying too hard (and he knows because he's always been trying too hard, growing up too fast, trying to hurry up and become an adult soon because his sister can keep him under her wing forever because Ren will only get in the way of her trying to live her own life) and Ren can't help his inherently curious nature.

Yamaguchi crashes into their lives with the force of a hurricane and throws him for a loop, with her untiring enthusiasm and overall weirdness, and she's annoying,  _so annoying,_ the other teachers never cared this much before and Ren doesn't know what to do with this new variable in the equation of his life because no one's ever  _seen_ him before. He had been Kazama Ren, the kid who lost his parents and was bullied throughout the whole of elementary until he learned the fastest way to shut them up was to break their teeth, and he was Kazama Ren, charismatic delinquent leader and eternal rival (?) of Ogata Yamato, but  _who was that_  really, and until Yamaguchi treats him like Kazama Ren, human being and high school student, he never knew it was what he needed all along.

\-------------------------------

Ren curses his existence because of course,  _of course,_ everyone would think it's his fault, it's always been his fault, and suddenly high school is like elementary all over again, because of course no one who could do anything about it believed him ( _'_ - _it's obviously Kazama-kun who stole the money-', fingers pointed at him, disappointed looks even though he's choking on tears he stubbornly refuses to cry and repeats that he didn't do it like a broken record_ ) and he pulls the shutters around his heart closed because this was what he got for feeling too much, thinking that maybe it was okay, just a little.

He doesn't expect Yamaguchi to stubbornly insist on proving his innocence (he doesn't have any confidence her at first, because no teacher ever took his side, no teacher ever stopped to listen to him and say 'I believe you,' or succeed at getting other people to believe him either, but Icchi and Kura show him the handmade flyers she was distributing of the person he described and she pulls through and for the first time he allows himself to hope).

He doesn't expect her to tell him that it was Ogata who got beat up because he found the real criminal for them and stupidly tried to take him on his own.

(he closes the door in her face after she reminds him to come back to school, because he doesn't know what to do with his facial expression after hearing something like that, and he presses the palms of his hand over the stupid smile that makes his cheeks hurt and if his sister notices his considerably lighter mood when she gets home that night, she doesn't comment)

(Ogata tells him it wasn't for his sake, but he doesn't punch him in the face as payback for making things troublesome for him, and he can't help the feeling of being stupidly pleased and for the first time he feels as if a non-hostile relationship with Ogata might actually be possible)

\-------------------------------

Ren can feel every muscle in his body coil up, tense and jumping because  _hey isn't that Ogata?_ He's not sure if it's Icchi or Kura that points it out, but it doesn't really matter does it, because it  _is_ Ogata (and Honjo and Kamiya, but his brain doesn't really register that at the moment, eyes frozen on fluffy copper hair and the bright splash of red on his face from split skin) and he really can't handle that many on his own and before Ren even realizes what he's doing, he's already dashing forward without thinking (it's a stupid, stupid habit that he needs to grow out of because one of these days it's going to get him into irreversible trouble) with a battle cry, hands scrabbling for one of the poles scattered underneath the bridge and swinging with abandon.

" _Run for it!_ " He yells at them, and they do.

They run like they were born to do it, and at that moment, that brief, wonderful moment, they're on the same side against the same enemies and suddenly Ren can kind of understand Yamaguchi and her passionate speeches about being true  _nakama_ , and he feels kind of like laughing if he weren't trying to conserve his breath to breathe. 

Ren feels like the only one hyper-aware of how close they are, slumped along a tiny wooden bridge to try, gasping for air, his back occasionally bumping into Ogata's because their friends are cramped together on the other side with no room for them and he wonders if this is what it would be like if they were all friends. 

(the thought makes him ridiculously giddy, and he feels like punching  _himself_  in the face to get a grip)

"So I owe you one, huh."

Ren might have imagined it, but Ogata might have leaned back against him a little.

"...It doesn't matter."

He replies grouchily, and he can almost feel the smirk even though they're back to back and can't even see each other's faces, and Ren wonders what it would feel like to be on the receiving end of a smile instead.

(he wants to get to know Ogata Yamato better because maybe Ren doesn't really hate Ogata as much as he lets on and maybe it wouldn't be so bad)

\-------------------------------

Ren finally admits that he might really not hate Ogata because it's been painfully obvious for a while now (he's fine, he thinks wryly, if he can still make ironic jokes because seriously, everything really hurts right now, their four against his one and one of them was using a metal pipe), but he realizes he can't keep denying it when the fact that Ogata had come running (to probably just return a favor, because they're not  _nakama,_ not friends, not really anything yet aren't they?) made him feel like he could probably take on the entire world if he wasn't already sporting maybe a couple of bruised ribs and had the air driven out of him by that pipe to the back earlier. 

"Keep your hands off them!"

It's a novel experience, fighting back to back with someone who he hadn't thought would ever trust him enough for something like this to happen, and even though they're heaving, winded, and beat up by the time Yamaguchi suddenly appears at the scene, they're side by side, shoulder to shoulder, and it makes Ren feel some sort of strange bubbling pride even though he's  _lost_. 

(it's the moment he realizes how deep he's gotten himself, when he realizes hey, they're  _friends_ now, and makes such a loud clatter when his bowl drops from his hand at dinner that his sister makes a startled noise)

\-------------------------------

They're  _friends_ now and suddenly they're facing on every problem as a group of six and not two groups of three (with maybe the occasional plus one as Yankumi, who doesn't know the meaning of moderation - they call her Yankumi now because they at least owe here that much after having their asses saved by her at least fifty times in the past several months), and all Ren can think about is how he shared a box of takoyaki with Yamato and how Yamato sort of lights up when he really smiles (so he puts a lot of effort into doing things that make him smile, but it's fine right, isn't this what friends do?) and basks in the fact that everything's worked out for them after all.

Yankumi has somehow managed to rope the entire class together after Honjo's dilemma with his father's tofu shop, and Icchi was finally getting to do what he wanted, and Ren had somehow patched up his relationship with his sister (her fiance was a dick anyways, Ren doesn't even know why he bothered getting riled up over some idiot's words).

So Ren's pumped up more than usual for the  _goukon_  Kamiya hooked up for them, more than enough to make up for the lack of enthusiasm that Yamato exhibits, but Ren knows Yamato can't say no to a challenge and pokes at his ego enough to get him to agree to come along (Ren likes to think that maybe Yamato was only agreeing because he was asking because Yamato is a drama queen and just had to make things difficult, but who was he kidding, Yamato was his friend wasn't he?).

(there are definitely no selfish reasons behind dragging Yamato along, but who is he kidding because he might be slightly curious to see Yamato in something other than the sorry excuse for a uniform that they've all sort of modified one way or another).

Somehow Yamato has tamed his hair from its fluffy mane into something respectable, and they're both wearing glasses for the illusion of being book-smart, and Ren might be a little bit upset afterwards when the  _goukon_  ends in pure disaster but he doesn't understand the relief he also feels when it means that none of them, including Yamato, were able to grab a date.

(he later notices the slip of crumpled paper in Yamato's hand but pretends not to because it's easier to focus on the disappointment at the girls' retreating backs than the turmoil that rumbles through his chest when he sees the hastily scrawled number)

(and then nothing else matters when Kura calls in a trembling voice and they rush to the hospital because Ren can't get how shaken Kura sounds out of his head)

\-------------------------------

If Ren notices the increased amount of time Yamato is spending on his phone, he tries not to let it show, but forces himself to laugh a little louder, push a little harder, because he doesn't know how else to deal with the strange mix of emotions in his chest that make him want to punch something, flip over a table, jump into an icy lake to cool his head off because the burning in his chest makes him think that he's acting almost-

"Jealous?"

Ren is jerked out of his thoughts when he catches a snippet of conversation from the rowdy group across the room because they seemed to have almost read his mind, but they aren't even looking at him. Ren turns back to ask Yamato a question but it gets stuck in his throat when he notices a strange wry smile that plays across his lips as he reads a message the girl had probably sent him, and swallows it back down even as an ugly little monster rears its head in his chest.

(and the problem isn't that he's jealous, the problem is that he's not sure who he's more jealous of, Yamato or the girl, and that question makes his head spin dizzily because that's not normal for 'just friends' is it?)

\-------------------------------

They've gotten into load of fights before, and they've all gotten out more or less alive, but nothing, not even that run in with Goda, made him as frightened as the sight of Yamato being shoved into a police car because,  _oi, that's serious_ , because they've gotten into trouble before but never on this scale, because his own trouble with those police officers didn't count when he was only being taken in for pettiness, and  _Yamato was going to get expelled for something he didn't do_.

That's enough for him to leap into action because  _he wasn't going to let that happen_ , because he imagined the rest of high school without Yamato and he felt-

Lost. 

What was the point in graduating if they all weren't going to do it together, because they promised hadn't they? 

(Ogata's old man's condescension kept ringing in his head like persistent harpies,  _hanging out with the likes of him,_ and  _it's your fault the family's broken, your fault, your fault, your fault,_ and Yamato might have punched his own father but Ren wanted to strangle him to stop the words that cut like the curved barbs of a bait because Yamato is anything but a failure, why couldn't he see that?)

And it's worth getting beat up again to see Yamato walk safely out of that police station and Ren is sure he's never grinned any wider.

(he throws his arm around Yamato's shoulder and squeezes, in the pandemonium of a group hug they subject Yamato to, just to reassure himself that Yamato isn't going anywhere just yet)

\-------------------------------

Ren isn't stupid, contrary to popular belief, and he might be a little thick-headed at times, and stubborn and more prone to using his fist than his brain, but it becomes kind of obvious that what Yamato is describing to him is pretty much a date even though he swears up, down, and diagonal that they're just going to talk. 

Yamato tells him the date of the appointment with that girl he's been texting and Ren doesn't ask why, but he hopes it's because Yamato wants him to tell him not to go, maybe.

He acknowledges for the first time that he's envious, and it's  _not_  Yamato he's jealous of.

\-------------------------------

Ren, realizes a little too late and for the first time, that he might actually, probably, most likely be head over heels in love with his best friend because he's here, stalking after Yamato and the girl ( _Hanako-chan_ , Yamato calls her, and Ren is ridiculously upset that they're on familiar terms already), on a weekend when he could've been playing pool or darts or video games, or even going to the  _karaoke_ , doing his best to keep out of sight but keep close enough to hear their conversations.

(because he realizes that he's afraid that, the moment he's not looking, someone else will make Yamato smile and laugh just like he could and he doesn't want that to happen, but it's too late to do anything about it now isn't it, when Yamato's out on a date with this shy, adorable girl and the two of them together look like the perfect couple he and Yamato could probably never be)

He doesn't know why he sticks around until the very end of the date (because it  _is_ a date and Yamato's an idiot) and he's not quite sure if he's glad he did because Yamato's conversation just leaves him more confused than ever.

“Don’t waste your time; I’ve already got someone I like."

And, oh- that was like Yankumi had aimed a good punch to his solar plexus and he's trying to catch his breath as he tries to figure out what Yamato meant by that because how had Ren never noticed something this important?

\-------------------------------

He spends the whole of next day scrutinizing Yamato to try and figure out who exactly it was that he liked, when it wasn't Hanako-chan, which proved difficult because Yamato had never exhibited much of an interest in the girls at the  _goukons_  and most of the time Yamato hung out with him and the rest of their rag-tag group of misfits so there was no way Yamato would have met anyone outside school. Ren gets all squinty eyed and oddly quiet, face scrunched up like it always is when he was trying to puzzle things out, which drew some concerning glances and curious looks.

Ren has never been more hyper-aware of the fact that he had always been touching Yamato in one way or another (hair tugging, arm pulling, one-armed hugs, headlocks, and just a constant stream of grabbing Yamato's arm or shoulder or wrist to get his attention) until he has to remind himself not to because-

Because Ren is also all too aware of his feelings for Yamato and there's always the chance that Yamato's been uncomfortable with Ren crowding his space, and it's almost a year too late to wonder now how many the touches he thought were platonic actually weren't?

\-------------------------------

Of course everything would turn to shit because of  _goddamned Goda,_ and Ren is thinking how much this is actually becoming a pattern; there's never really enough of them to fight back when trouble comes knocking and okay so Yankumi might have asked them not to go looking for a fight but they can't help it if the fight comes to them can they? 

(they're all excuses when Ren's knuckles are itching to slam into Goda's fucking face,  _senpai-kouhai_  relationshipbe damned, hands scrabbling for purchase to yank someone's gut down hard onto his knee, the beast inside screaming for  _blood, blood, blood_ )

Three of them are descending on Yamato like crows and Ren's anger roars like a sun flare because all he thinks is  _Yamato_ and  _protect_. 

"Get off him!  _Get off him!_ "

Ren's shoving at Goda, and Goda is shoving back, and Ren hardly registers that he goes stumbling into the flimsy structure of cardboard boxes and metal rods and goes sprawling. 

And then when pipes cascade from the skewered platform, the last thing he burns into his mind is Yamato's petrified expression and then he can't register anything at all.

\-------------------------------

Ren is dreaming.

He dreams of brawling, the satisfaction of a good fight.

He dreams of Yamato, and they're fighting back to back, blood and sweat and heaving lungs; they're outnumbered but Ren could take on the world with Yamato at his side.

He dreams of graduating, and everyone is there, and his sister's proud of him, and he's steadily getting better.

He dreams that Yamato's face is the clearest, hands gripping his so hard it hurts, but they're both grinning so wide it almost physically aches, except he kind of knows he's not actually here, not yet, so it can't actually hurt.

He dreams that he's gathered up the courage to tell Yamato that he's in love with him, and Yamato is in love with him too.

He dreams of the perfect world, and he wants to stay, but then he dreams of being in a hospital bed with Yamato's hand around his with a force that would actually bruise, his head tucked into the crook of Ren's elbow and something warm and wet staining the sleeve of his hospital gown and Ren wants to move, wants to reach out,  _why is Yamato crying_ , but he can't, and the dream falls away again with the echoes of Yamato apologies going on and on like another broken record in the collection of records Ren has in his mind.

'- _didn't take the money-_ '

' _Ren-_ '

'- _r fault the family's broken-_ '

' _-the likes of_ _him_ _-_ '

' _Those kids aren't ever going to amount to anything-_ '

'- _sorry, sorry, I'm so sorry-_ '

(and that's when he realizes that he's not dreaming, not really, and he can't stay in this perfect little world he's carved out for himself because there are people out there, still breathing, still alive, who need him, and he's always been a fighter and he's never given up, and he won't start now)

\-------------------------------

Ren wakes up to Yankumi, who looks like she might have been crying, on one side and his sister on the other side, who immediately breaks down into tears when she realizes that he's safe now, and he wonders what he was thinking when he wanted to stay asleep.

\-------------------------------

It scares him a little, how easily he could've not woken up if he had decided to give up, how he could've actually died, and he becomes aware of his friends' constant need to remind themselves that he's still here with them, that he pulled through, that it's real, he's real, and he isn't going to go anywhere they can't follow anytime soon.

He also realizes how many things left unsaid would have been left behind, and he makes a promise to resolve that as soon as possible, when he's gotten over the shock of his close shave with death and the murderous pressure of final examinations because soon they were going to be graduating.

Ren is still too aware of Yamato, now more so than ever, and he swears to himself that he would have to tell him soon, whatever the consequences.

(he trims off the ridiculously loud highlights in his hair and mellows out as he takes another step towards becoming an actual full-fledged adult because he's not a kid anymore, for real this time and he's willing to learn how even if he has to crawl)

\-------------------------------

So after graduation, after the initial high has dimmed and the rest of the class had gone out into the main hall for goofy pictures and graduation party planning, Ren decides that it's now or never, because after this he might not ever get the chance, when they've all gone their own ways, to different universities and different jobs, and he might not ever see any of his friends again, maybe (it was highly unlikely but it was always better to be safe than sorry. He crooks his fingers into Yamato's and tugs him away from the general bustle of cheering ex-high school students towards the unnatural quiet of their homeroom.

(Room 3-D; there was once a time he associated it with delinquency and losers and people who had already given up, but not anymore, and not ever, because Yankumi would make sure that those guys would be set right)

He struggles to find the words to say because it's hard enough for him to breathe, like he's trapped beneath those metal pipes again, but this time not unconscious, let alone form the words he wants to say, so he lets them stand in silence for a minute as he gathers his thoughts. 

"I followed you on your date with Hanako-chan." He blurts out, and so much for trying to form a coherent, well structured beginning to a civil conversation.

Yamato doesn't look amused.

"That was a long time ago." 

He seems a tiny bit irritated by Ren's confession (like it wasn't the right kind of confession maybe, but he was getting to that. Kind of) but there's half a weight lifted off Ren's shoulders because it didn't seem right to keep it a secret and he beams, one part embarrassed, two parts sheepish. 

"Yeah. But, you know, since we’re graduating and all, and I don’t know if I’m ever going to see you again—"

"Of course we’re still going to see each other. What makes you think we won’t?"

Yamato demands (was Ren imagining the hint of panic in his voice?) and Ren's heart flutters a little in relief, because he doesn't actually want to stop hanging out with Yamato, but it's still heavy with dread and the weight of his other unspoken confession, and he's unable to summon a smile. 

"Well...I mean, you're going to be kind of busy right?" 

Yamato gives him a look of blank incomprehension.

"You’re going to confess, aren’t you? To the person you like." Ren continues to prompt, watching blank incomprehension morph into confusion. "You said it yourself, to that girl, to Hanako. You said you had someone you liked." He shoots Yamato a look that reminds him that he had been stalking their date, remember. "I mean, since you’ve graduated, I assume you’re going to actually do something about it. Since it might be your only chance." Ren focuses a pointed look at the second button from the top of Yamato's  _gakuran_  (and there was an increasingly fluttery feeling mixed with a kind of cold dread in his chest because the button was  _still there_ ). Understanding finally seemed to dawn on Yamato's face but Ren might also be imagining it because he hasn't dared to look up just yet, and was trying to get all the words out in a rush in case he lost his nerve. "And when you’ve got yourself a girlfriend, it's not like you can come hang out with us",  _me,_  "all the time like you used to yeah? We'd scare her off or do something equally embarrassing. I…you…I don’t want to  _not_  see you- I mean, hang out, anymore. I know we haven’t known each other for long, and that for most of it you hated me and I hated you, except not really- you know, I didn't actually hate you, by the way, just so you know." He was rambling now, random thoughts derailing him briefly. "And there was that time when we'd probably be happy with beating each other up to be the leader of Akadou, but I guess that doesn't really matter now, and-  _shit,_ I don't know where I'm going with this." He runs his free hand through his highlight-less hair in agitation. 

(he wasn't good at dealing with how he felt, and it was easier to swallow his pride and bow to Saruwatari- uh, Sawatari-kyoutou- than this)

"What I'm trying to say," Ren tries again, finally mustering the courage to look Yamato in the eye. "Is that you've sort of become important to me and I don't want to actually stop seeing y- hanging out."

It takes Yamato a second to process that.

"I don’t want to not see you anymore either. I mean, you’re important to me too." 

The tension leaves Ren's shoulders in a silent sigh of relief, and he allows himself a smile, and then his fingers spasm, and then he remembers they're still-

Still holding hands.

It takes him a little longer for his brain to catch up and wonder why that was.

"So, you know, I’m not going to stop seeing you. Guys." Did Ren imagine that pause? "Even if I get a girlfriend." There was the pause again. "Which I’m not going to."

"Oh." It's Ren's turn to pause, and he scrunches his face up the way he always does when he's trying to put things together. "But you…I’m pretty sure…I mean, you said…"

"I said I had someone I liked." Yamato's fingers are tight and tense around him and he looks almost nervous, licking his lips like his throat is suddenly dry and Ren can't help but follow the movement. "I…I’m not…it isn’t a girl."

Ren thinks he understands why Yamato's been so secretive about it, so nervous to tell him now. Of all the possibilities Ren's thought up, this had not been one of them. His eyes are wide, but it's more of the shock of an unexpected twist of events than repulsion. 

"I’m not into girls, so it’s okay. No one’s going anywhere. And he…the one I like…probably has no problems with me hanging out with you anyway. He…he’s very fine with me spending time with you."

"But." Ren is still trying to understand, blinking rapidly. "But you went to the  _goukon_ with us. All the time. I mean, you kind of complain from time to time, but you've never actually- and you never noticed the guys or anything." But now, to be honest, it wasn't as if Yamato had ever noticed the girls either. How long had Yamato actually liked this guy?

"I didn’t think you noticed these kinds of things." Yamato sounds bemused now and if Ren weren't so busy trying to piece things together, he might have noticed. 

"So, what," Ren reaches up to scratch his head, scunching up his nose even more. "You just decided, between the  _goukon_  and your date, don't give me that look it  _was_  a date you dense idiot, that you’d go and crush on....some guy? How does that even make sense? That doesn’t make sense at all. Why doesn’t it make sense?" He was obviously missing something here. What was he missing?

" _Ren._ " 

And then Yamato was squeezing his hand so tight Ren had to stop rambling because he remembers a bruising grip in a hazy half-dream of lying in a hospital bed and he's suddenly winded.

"I’ve never liked girls." Yamato confesses, and it looks like he's waiting for Ren to maybe declare that he can't be friends with a guy who likes guys or something.

"Okay." But of course Ren wouldn't, of course not, but Yamato looks at him with relief anyway, all lopsided grin and familiar, relaxed charm.

"Okay." Yamato parrots. "Okay."

"It’s fine. I don’t mind."

"Yeah. Thanks."

For a moment there is companionable silence once more, the sound of his heartbeat loud in his ears, but Ren's curious, always has been, probably always will be, so he can't help himself from breaking it.

"Since when?"

"I don’t know. Always. Or this year. I didn’t notice until…"

Ren feels slightly disappointed, but he tries to mute it because this seemed like a big thing for Yamato, coming out like this even if they're best friends. 

"…until him?"

"…yeah."

Ren waits for half a second.

"....Can I ask who?"

There is a pause as Yamato's fingers tighten around his so much that his fingertips are going numb.

"Yeah."

Ren prompts him with a look. "...well? Who?"

Yamato looks a little frustrated, but he doesn't look away. "Who do you think, dumbass."

And oh-

He suddenly understands everything and he feels like laughing because yeah, he _is_  a dumbass, but Yamato is one too, but he can't bring himself to move for a moment, frozen to the spot for two seconds, until he finally surges forward and he's not sure what he's doing, but then they're both horizontal, tripping over their own frantic movements and strewn chairs, on a tabletop and the air is knocked out of his lungs, but his scrambling fingers slide into that familiar mess of fluffy copper curls and Yamato's hands are pressed flat against his back as if he were afraid Ren would move away (he wasn't gong to) and the laughter just bubbles out.

Ren's shoulders are shaking and his bruises ache and the cuts that weren't healed yet stung, and there was just so much relief coursing through him that he doesn't really think about the consequences of his next course of action when he tilts his head and kisses Yamato and, yeah, Ren's probably been subconsciously thinking about this since the moment he laid eyes on him, but to actually do it is electric and breath-taking and he would have gladly remained that way if he wasn't getting light-headed from the lack of air in his lungs. 

He knows he's grinning like an idiot, but Yamato is too, so it's okay, and his face hurts from the combination of the injuries on his face and the force of his smile, but it's a pain he welcomes, because he's so full of happiness he's going to explode, and they're still holding hands and Ren isn't about to let go any time soon, gripping hard enough to return the bruises Yamato left from before.

"Thank you."

Ren ducks his head into the crook of Yamato's neck because he's starting to get a little embarrassed, a little self conscious, because he can't stop smiling and laughs quietly into Yamato's skin.

"He definitely doesn’t mind you spending more time around me." He can't help but tease, and if Yamato's hands were free, he'd probably punch him for bad timing, so he pacifies the inevitable irritation by whispering a silent 'I love you' against Yamato's jumping heartbeat, and he can feel Yamato smile, and that's enough for Ren to smile too.

\-------------------------------

They leave the classroom hours later, smiling too wide and clothes too wrinkled and faces too flushed, to where their friends are waiting for them to go celebrate their graduation together. No one comments because Kura totally misses all the signs and Icchi just smiles knowingly and Kamiya shoots them a curious look and Honjo avoids saying anything about it at all except to complain at how slow they were. 

The others are too pointedly excitedly talking about their plans for what came after graduation to point out when Ren and Yamato lag behind the group to walk side by side, little fingers hooked together tight like a promise, goofy smiles still plastered on their faces.

Ren feels the shape of Yamato's second button acutely through the layer of his shirt and he feels a giddy sort of fluffy happiness to see his own threaded through the chain around Yamato's neck.

(Yamato's still smiling too much too and Ren has to nudge him sharply with his elbow by the time they reach Kuma-san's ramen shop, but it's not like he can stop either)

(he realizes he's never apologized for breaking Yamato's nose the first time they meet, and he does try to, expect Yamato threatens to break  _his_ nose if Ren really wanted him to get even, and Ren raises his eyebrows because he would, if it made Yamato feel better, but Yamato just rolls his eyes and kisses him hard enough to steal his breath away instead)

\-------------------------------

It's a year later and Ren takes Yamato out on a lunch date at Kuma-san's shop, and they're seated side by side, pressed so close together with no space at all between them from their shoulders to their ankles, even though they're the only two in the shop right now, and then Icchi, Kura, Kamiya, and Honjo burst in and start talking at the same time about seeing Yankumi with a man.

(Ren really doesn't care, because he's kind of irritated that his date's being interrupted; cue Yankumi appearing with said man, and then suddenly they're all sitting at the same table, so Yamato has to move to sit across him instead, and, yeah, he's a little more than a little annoyed)

(he hooks his ankle around Yamato's just to have some contact, and he notices Odagiri-san noticing this, and he immediately feels defensive until he notices that there's no judgement in those knowing eyes and is pacified)

He apologizes again and again after they've left, but Yamato gets annoyed faster than he can say 'I'm sorry' again and the next apology splutters and dies on the tip of his tongue because Yamato's hand is splayed against the skin of his back, under his shirt, which prompts him to lean forward and steal a kiss, and when he pulls away, they're both smiling quietly at each other. 

Ren can feel the chill of the metal band around Yamato's finger against the base of his spine and he's happier than he's ever been in his life.

\-------------------------------

Ren swears his life is cursed, because he some how finds himself in trouble  _yet again, why, why, why can't he learn from his mistakes, he knew that job was too good to be true,_ and now he's paranoid, shooting panicky looks over his shoulder every time he hears sirens or a flash of dark blue uniform, and his mobile's ringing in a pattern, leaving behind missed calls and a white-knuckled hand going numb from all the vibrations (Kura, Icchi, Kamiya, Honjo, Yankumi, Yamato, Yankumi, Yamato, Yamato,  _Yamato_ ), but he doesn't dare pick up because this is his problem and he was going to find a way to deal with it without troubling them because he couldn't do this to them, not again.

He was supposed to be more mature now, an actual adult with an actual job now, but here he was, police chasing after him just like when he was in high school and a kid and a delinquent, and there's no way he's going to go back to his sister's with the cops on his tail, so he goes to the only other place where he feels safe.

He finds himself in the dark of his classroom and he curls up on Yamato's old desk, fingers tracing the grooves Yamato had carved in it with his penknife, and that's where Odagiri-san finds him, and that's how the others find him, and Ren doesn't meet Yamato's eyes even though he sees Yamato's fingers twitching to touch the bruises and injuries on his face and make sure that he's still actually alive again.

(he hasn't grown up at all, feels like a lost high school student again, the high school student that everyone only ever saw as a delinquent)

\-------------------------------

They all end up spending the night at Yankumi's house for some reason.

(Ren remembers the first time they followed her here, where they found out that Yankumi was actually the grand-daughter of a  _yakuza_  boss, and Ren seriously thought he was gonna die when Tetsu-san threatened them over the dinner table, but hey it looked like Yankumi could threaten  _yakuza_  members as well as rowdy high school troublemakers)

Yamato is in the futon across from him, their heads close enough to touch but Ren's staring up at the ceiling, looking a little lost, a little hopeless, and Yamato seems to understand that he needs his space and doesn't move to reach out, even though he looks like he wants to, because Ren's feeling like he could shatter into a thousand pieces at the lightest brush of Yamato's fingers, and he jumps at the chance to roll out of the futon and eavesdrop on Yankumi instead of sleeping.

(he was going to storm Kurose's corporation that very night, on his own, but then Yamato's fingers are pressed into the crook of his elbow, a warm, familiar weight that told him 'don't be stupid, you're not alone,' and he allows himself to be steered back into the room so they can all leave together in the morning before Yankumi could even realize it)

\-------------------------------

It's over quicker than Ren would've expected, with Yankumi facing off Kurose (on _live television, what in the ever loving name of everything holy, how badass could his ex high school homeroom teacher possibly be?_ ), with the sudden influx of Yankumi's students, the lives she's touched other than theirs, and the police, and Ren feels like he could collapse as well, actually falls to his knees when Yankumi does, but so do a couple of the others, so he'll be able to play off his sudden moment of weakness later.

Yamato is a warm solid presence by his side, almost touching but not quite, but it's over,  _it's over,_ and they have another infinity of possible futures to explore again.

\-------------------------------

All his life, Ren's only known promises that were broken, so he's never really put too much faith in them, but Yamato's been a promise he's kept since high school and, sitting on the stairs in the aftermath of Kurose's arrest with their hands touching, their plain steel rings side by side like two halves of a symbolic whole, he thinks that it might not be so bad to start believing. 

\-------------------------------

A year later, Ren casually mentions moving in together.

They scrounge what they can from their jobs, and six months later, they do.

Two years, and they've developed a domestic pattern that earns them teasing jabs from Icchi, Kura, Honjo, and Kamiya whenever their friends come to visit.

It's worth watching Yamato threaten them with a kitchen knife, wearing a hot-pink apron, speckled with _Rilakkuma_ faces, his hair still copper, longer and fluffier and tied back because it's his turn to make dinner.

Three, and Ren shoves a black velvet box at Yamato with a face that hasn't been that red since they came to an understanding on their high school graduation day.

Yamato calls him a dumbass because he's not romantic enough, but he doesn't throw it back in Ren's face, and that's good enough for him.

\-------------------------------

Ren's not good at dealing with how he feels, because sometimes he's still prone to not telling Yamato the things that trouble him when he thinks that he can solve his problems by himself.

(those are the times Yamato will fight him, but it's never serious, because it's just to remind them both that they're not alone, won't ever have to be ever again, so  _trust him a little more_ )

He's not good at understanding his feelings because his feelings have brought him nothing but trouble (even if Yamato is a trouble he welcomes with open arms, even if he comes with split lips and aching bruises because he also comes with kisses that are like challenges and smiles like the daybreak), but he toes off his shoes at the front door and the television is playing some obscure movie and Yamato, sprawled out on the couch with his hair tied back, looks up with the subtle curve of a smile.

"Welcome back."

(Yamato has never taken off the too long chain that Ren strung his second button in, and even now he can see the dull metal glinting from the too low collar of his old sweatshirt, and Ren only secrets his behind their bed because his job is too demanding and the necklace is too important for him to even lose by accident)

"I'm home."

And for the first time in his life, he believes it.

**Author's Note:**

> So I changed a couple of things than from the original fic this was based on:  
> Firstly, I already gave them rings because Ren was wearing a ring in Gokusen the Movie (( _on his left ring finger *fangirls*_ )).  
> Secondly, I thought the ending would be cuter if they were already living together idk.
> 
> This fic has set new records for me and I don't know if I can ever do this ever again.


End file.
